Anyone who knows me can tell you that I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother, so in many ways I’m living the dream! ☺️
But if I have to be completely honest, this dream has not been all it’s made out to be! I blame my mother for this…and my aunts, in fact I blame the many Mother’s I’ve had the privilege to know and love through out my life. My friend’s mothers, the other moms in the hood (in the hood, every mother is your mother!), the moms at church, the school moms, the moms at the Dialysis unit with my mom, my moms friends and in my adult years, my mother in law (the twins say mother in love! And I love it, it’s so fitting for her!)❤️
The thing with moms is they make it look so incredibly easy! They balance shaping human beings with everything else life requires of them with the simplest of ease. And now that I’m on the other side I’m like WTF?!! Mothering also happens to be the most thankless job out there & this is the one area of life where you don’t always get out what you put in. Having children is literally like a lucky packet!🙈You give the best of yourself, teach them what you think is right from wrong and then you have to unleash them and hope they make good choices🙆🏾♀️ I’m not sure about this model guys!
My introduction to mothering came through my stepson & in retrospect, at that stage I had no real cooking clue what I was doing or just how taxing motherhood could actually be because on Monday, he went back to his mom and my life was back to normal! But at the time I honestly believed that these weekends were giving the required training and that I’d be smashing motherhood goals once I had other kids.
Please can I just say that parenting every second weekend from Friday to Monday is nothing close to the true demands of motherhood! Even this transition I found hard, but I think when you give birth to someone there’s that initial bonding time, a level of preparedness for the change up,an instinct that kicks in, a selflessness you work towards during the pregnancy & expect. With my stepson we just skipped that whole part & I woke up one day and realized it’s just me and this little guy. In that moment I realized that what my mother had always said was true, ‘a child is a mother’s child.’
His dad was his dad who he adored, but if he had a bad dream, or was hungry or wanted something I was the go to person & the odd thing is no one had to tell him this! He stuck to me like glue…he still does! One day while I was highly pregnant with my Choc (my first born) he asked who Choc’s dad was. Then asked who Choc’s mom was, then asked where Choc would live & where Choc would go when he went to his mom. Out of the blue when we least expected it, we heard him call me mom. ( I think this was a territorial move on his part!😂) He had always called me by my name which I honestly didn’t mind, so the first couple of times he said it, I never even looked up. I felt his little hand tugging at my leg, and in the most frustrated tone he said ‘MAMA!!!’ I was so shocked! It made my heart smile…it was in that moment I understood that motherhood is more than just blood. A mother is love.
There is nothing for the feeling of holding your newborn for the very first time! The arrival of my Choc in my life was to teach me ability to survive. Choc taught me about the true extent of selflessness that comes with motherhood and in many ways the many untold truths of motherhood.
And as crazy as it may sound, he helped me fall even deeper in love with his big brother. My Choc adores his big brother and when he looks at him he doesn’t see what makes them different, I love this and would go to the edge of the earth to protect what they have.
The arrival of my Joy saw me realize just how much my heart, my life, my time could stretch, just how much love I still had to give and how much of myself I was willing to give. I think that’s the thing with mothering you give willingly!
When the baby father and I were dating, I expressed to my mother how I wondered if he would love our children together the same and I remember my mom saying that he would, that for him they would all be just his children and when my Joy was born, I truly understood it. (Once again Mama knew best!) And the joy on his face when he sees his sons together😍❤️ In our moments, in our own little family moments we even forget that we are blended. We literally are just family.
Being a mother has made me view life and mothering in a different light. I have an unbelievably amount of respect for all Mother’s, be it a grandmother, a stepmom, an aunt or family friend who steps in or anyone who takes on the task of raising a child-this job is tough!
Now, if a mother told me she hasn’t slept in 2 years, I’d believe that, before kids I’d question that and why anyone would do that to themselves. Like why aren’t we given extra hours in the day to mother? And why is mothering leave not a thing? A mother will leave home with every intention to buy herself something she really need and you leave the store with bags full of baby/children’s stuff. And can we have a moment for mother’s guilt?🙆🏾♀️
A mother will give up her friends, her social life and things she likes to try ensure she is doing this mothering gig right. She will have a full on career, relationship and alles. Oh and by the way, it’s not like once you have kids you are given a free pass in any other area of your life! You are still required to show up and be the best you can be!
One thing I’ve found to be the most disappointing about mothering is the amount of judgement Mother’s are subjected to and wait for it…by other moms! Like I wouldn’t allow my child to eat that, I wouldn’t take my kid to school there, I wouldn’t let my child talk to me that way! Your kids are snobs, yours are too ghetto, your kids are spoilt, yours aren’t self sufficient! Your kids don’t speak any African languages, your kid isn’t an A student, is your kid meeting his milestones? The pressure of it all! Like where did you find the manual? And are you 2000% sure that when the time comes your child will make the choices you ‘taught him’ to make? Shouldn’t we all be cheering each other on? Shouldn’t we be supporting each other? Helping each other along?
You have no idea the kinds of questions moms have asked me ‘So you leave you 18 month old with the Nanny at 5am just to get to gym?’ Or ‘who is raising your kids while you are out running all these races?’ Or better yet my favorite ‘So the older one isn’t even yours, I wouldn’t…’
In my few short years as mom, I’ve come to the conclusion that moms lie!😂 They don’t tell the truth about the hardships they face mothering, they don’t express their fears! No one has the perfect kid, with the perfect manners, the perfect marks, perfect behavior and perfect everything. I don’t think anyone actually knows with certainty what they are doing! I mean honestly, if there was a manual we would all have it!
So I do the best that I can, I will make mistakes along the way but no matter what I will always be there for them❤️